Brent Seabrook Upset Over Missing Cookies

NHL: Stanley Cup Playoffs-Chicago Blackhawks at Detroit Red Wings

VANCOUVER, B.C. — After ending a four-game losing streak on Wednesday night the mood in the visitor’s locker room at Rogers Arena was one of relief and celebration, though there was one Chicago Blackhawk who was in no mood to party.

“Somebody stole my fucking cookies,” said Brent Seabrook, several times while roaming the locker room. “Who the fuck stole my cookies?”

The Chicago Blackhawks defenseman claimed that he had left an unfinished bag of soft-baked Chips Ahoy in his locker to eat after the game, but following his team’s 5-2 win in which Seabrook finished with an assist, he returned to his locker and his cookies were nowhere to be found.

“This isn’t funny,” said Seabrook. “If somebody is trying to pull a joke on me, you don’t see me laughing, do you? I was looking forward to those cookies the entire game. Now somebody has gone and taken that from me. You’ve stolen my joy.”

None of Seabrook’s teammates knew what had happened to his cookies, or at least, if they did, nobody was saying.

“I got no idea,” said Duncan Keith when asked by reporters if he knew where Seabrook’s cookies were. “I just know I didn’t take them. I’ve been playing alongside Seabs for years, and that’s long enough to know you don’t get between him and his soft-baked.”

Jonathan Toews, who finished with a goal and an assist, did not know where the cookies were, either, but he took responsibility for them.

“I’m the captain of this team,” said Toews. “I’m responsible for what happens in this locker room, so if somebody stole Brent’s cookies, that’s on me. That’s my failure. I let Brent down. I let my team down. I won’t let it happen again.”

All of which was nice to hear, but it was of little solace to Seabrook.

“You just don’t understand,” Seabrook told a group of reporters. “You can never understand. These weren’t the regular, shitty Chips Ahoys. They were soft-baked. They’re just so good. I bought them before the road trip because it’s very hard to find them in Canada.

“Sure, they have free health care here, but soft-baked Chips Ahoy are in short supply. I never had them before moving to the United States to play in Chicago. So before the road trip I bought a whole bunch of them from this Dominick’s near my house. It’s closing, so they were like 80% off. It was awesome. Anyway, I brought them all with me to last through the road trip because after this we’re going to California, and they’re hard to find in California because they don’t have kale in them or some shit. Fucking California, man. You can buy weed, but good luck finding some soft-baked Chips Ahoy.”

Seabrook, tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes, continued.

“I opened that bag on the way to the arena tonight and I purposely saved some for after the game. And now they’re gone. Forever. And I only have like 15 bags left to get through the rest of this trip.

“I just want my cookies back. Don’t you get that?”

The Blackhawks play San Jose on Saturday night.

Keep up to date with everything in Chicago sports by following The Chicago Homer on Twitter.

One thought on “Brent Seabrook Upset Over Missing Cookies

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